During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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