nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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