so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
