Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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