Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
