my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
