please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize