Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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