there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
