My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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