He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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