i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
no you cant smoke seaweed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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