I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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