i think my mom watched the whole time
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
