Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She needs sedatives and a leash
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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