Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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