remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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