I feel like I'm in dance class right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
