yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
