i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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