my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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