so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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