FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
