I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
