he wants to bone in the snuggie
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Randomize
