It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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