is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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