I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
