Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Randomize
