I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
there is glitter all over my balls
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
