I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
