i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize