I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
