I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I should be sponsored by Trojan
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
