I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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