I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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