update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
