I am in a vortex of obligation.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
