he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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