I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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