how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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