I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
