Question. A woman tells her guy she's on birth control. Stops taking it to have a kid to force the guy to be responsible and with her. What rights does that guy have
None he's f-d
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
