U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
