we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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