if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
