last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
