i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
