You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He keeps bees of course he's weird
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
