my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
