I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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