You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
