My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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