i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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