im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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