I can text with my tongue
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
