o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
