I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
17 year olds will be the death of me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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