I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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