im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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