I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
