You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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