Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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