Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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